The Titty ‘Spection Agency (TSA)

January 14, 2011 by  

Not too long ago, I was watching Saturday Night Live and they did a spoof sex line commercial portraying the Transportation Security Administration as the people you will talk to. While I thought the bit was funny, I also thought people have been drastically over-reacting to the TSA and their new pat-down procedures. That was until this week.

TSA Physical

Turn your head and cough, please.

On Monday morning, I flew from Kansas City to the west coast. With the weather conditions we had here in KC, I left early for the airport and ended up getting there with much time to spare. I grabbed a bite to eat then proceeded to a lengthy line to get through security. While waiting in line to prove my identity, I could see the TSA hard at work with their pat-down procedures. I watched two people get the rubber glove treatment. Both of the individuals were at least 70 years-old, it appeared. One man; one woman. It took me about 4 or 5 minutes to get through the line, and for the entire duration, the two were being rubbed and frisked. I truly felt like the lights should be dimmed and there should be some Sinatra playing over the PA system. I felt as though I was watching a complete body massage. Fortunately I got to the check-in point and lost site of the TSA agents before I could see if there was a happy ending for either of the two elderly people.

I was, however, thankful… I felt very secure as it was so reassuring to know these two people were not going to bring my plane down. I know my government is looking after my well-being, making sure grandma and grandpa were free of any weapons or explosives. In reality, I know now what I felt when the TSA was formed after 9/11 — our government really shouldn’t be heading security at the airports. What they do is more for show than really to protect us. They are there to create a false sense of security. And until recent times, that has mostly worked. But now, they are proving to be the joke that they are. We have people making ~$29,131 per year that should be making $8/hour at Walmart or $1.99/minute on a sex line that nobody would call.

TSA Breast Inspection

Any explosives in there, grandma?

Just this past week, it was announced that the TSA’s show is not all about showing the public how safe they are making our airports and flights, but that they also seem to like the show they receive when they give their massages. Lynsie Murley sued the TSA last year and has now settled for an undisclosed amount after her breasts were exposed during a pat-down. The event became a laughing matter, so it seems, for the TSA members around. Their “attention to detail” and joking around about it has led to some sort of a payday for Murley. I bet the payday was not insignificant. Many of you will also recall that last November, John Tyner’s encounter in which he proclaimed “…touch my junk and I will have you arrested” prior to his pat-down received much publicity, as he secretly recorded the “private” meeting with the TSA on his cell phone. Without rehashing the whole story here, I encourage you to read his blog post here or watch a Fox News story about it below.

Personally, I have not had the privilege in all of my flights of late to get my personal pat-down, though I must admit I am anxious to have one. Would certainly make my flight a bit more relaxing, having received a thorough massage with a happy ending (I just wonder if they will provide a cigarette afterwords). While I haven’t received that special treatment, I have twice been through the new full-body-imaging scanners. I know some people feel this is a total invasion of privacy, but to me, I feel happy that I am able to make some pervert’s day. My only real surprise is that the images acquired haven’t been leaked in a new WikiLeaks scandal. That day will likely come, I am sure.

I leave you with the clip from SNL’s parody on the TSA. It is well worth the watch. Enjoy your flight. Maybe my long trip to Maui next week will be kicked off with a bang… almost literally. After all, the skies are much more friendly these days (or at least the pre-flight, I should say).

If you want to read some more pat-downs gone wrong, check out this link. Even more, if you are currently working at McDonald’s or Walmart and would prefer a titillating job with the TSA, you can apply on-line here.

–RE

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